I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
They are going to name an STD after you.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize