you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
