New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
