omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You have to summon your inner elephant
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
