I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
someone threw a dead crab at me
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
