I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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