Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
