tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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