Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
