smell my finger.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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