dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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