im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
How's work?
Spinning.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
