I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
