I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
pop tarts are not kleenex
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
