I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
