haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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