she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
