lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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