if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
