im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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