Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
