if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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