First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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