I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize