Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You did what with his pubic hair?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
