I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
