I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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