i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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