end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
