I wish my penis had an off switch
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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