Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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