I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You are the jesus of drinking
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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