Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
