so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
