i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
