She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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