You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
