did you get engaged???
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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