I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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