I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
