remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Green mimosas i think yes
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
