i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
