Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
