Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
