Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
