She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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