She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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