I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
