Umm I'm too high to move.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I supernannyed him into submission
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
