When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
